mark clayson

Bless her soul. My grandmother was always a one for entertainment. But not of the expected kind.

She used to do things that were irrational, out of character or simply out of place.

Like farting. It's only now that i am getting older that I realise the delicate balance between holding bodily gases in and letting them out without a red face. 10 years ago and I would blame the dog for any bad smell in the room. But now it cannot be so.

My grandmother used ...

So a few days ago I entered a new realm of brace-ware - elastics. To say I was excited at the prospect is a massive understatement. I had hired a meeting venue hall and invited over 100 guests to celebrate the occasion.

Well, I should have. After all, my ortho seemed to think, at our last meeting, it was going to be a seminal event.

As I have said before, he has always been the joker.

"Next time, we are going to put a steel wire in and start using ...

In the UK we have a underground system in London (also known as the "Tube" or the "subway") that, although ancient in parts, is rather modern in operation. The one issue from time to time is that stepping off the trains onto the platform can be a bit tricky as there is often a substantial gap between the two. The platform announcer often tannoys "Mind the Gap" to warn passengers.

I NEED that tannoy.

I knew teethy gaps would develop. "Lucky ...

So, my 2nd wire change came and went and to say I was not happy is an understatement. The ortho very kindly explained that I had had 2 round wires up till that point and now I was to have a rectangular one.

Nooooooo!!!

Of course, don't let me start telling the ortho his job. I have already given the staff many tips on how to enhance the waiting room and a few pointers on their dress sense and make-up. After telling them this they appeared to be very agitated and upset. ...

I've never been a photographer. Well, that's a lie. I am a keen photographer but like to take pictures of other people and "things". Give me a camera and the British Queen or one of her corgi dogs and I am your man. Face the lens at me and I kinda change.

When I say "change" I don't mean the "evil possession" type of change. I remember that sort of thing only too well when my wife had an unexplained case of mouth ulcers and the doctor told her she must ...

Monday is gonna be big. Well, in the grand scheme of things, perhaps not. But we all have our little hurdles to overcome and journeys to travel. Big changes - if not, there's going to be serious consequences.

I reckon I know at least as much as the average orthodontist. Granted, they spend 5 or more years at Dental School and many of them have 20+ years of experience. But I have something they don't or didn't use - YouTube.

For me, YouTube teaches you what used to take ...

So, there we are. The power of the sale, the lust for money and the thrust for wealth. It's all there in black and white. Orthodonistry is corrupt.

Why do I say that? Because of the spinach.

But what has spinach to do with orthodontics and the power of the sale?

I remember back to those heady days in the 'donto's office. I remember all the pretty pictures of young men and women with winning smiles. The ortho and his staff all related their own stories ...

My braces went on last Friday - 2 days ago. It was a bit of a shock as I was not expecting it (after all, me and the orthodontist have been doing the "you're never gonna have braces" dance for 7 months or more). But straight away I was concerned about the pain I might be having later on so I decided to be prepared.

Pain and me are not the closest of pals. I still remember, as a teenager, having painful acne spots on my face. Some of them would be like blind boils - never ...

Last week I went for yet another appointment with the orthodontist. They have seen me so much that they don't even expect me to give my name - they just point to a chair and mutter "sit there and keep quiet". I put an order in for my favourite magazines but as yet the request has not been fulfilled - but I know they are busy.

So, back to last week. Half expecting and half not. Was that the day to go into braces? Sadly no. I had 5 molar bands put on - a lot of pushing, pulling ...

A New Year - so, New Teeth? No, not yet.

Those of you that are regular readers of my blog ("hi Mum!") will know of the story of the last 9 months. Basically, in a sentence, I have been wearing a bite plate for over 6 months to help correct an overbite yet there has been little progress. I say it's my age - 51.

However, when I went for my appointment yesterday, my orthodontist said it WASN'T necessarily due to my age which felt nice to hear. perhaps my youthful ...

Well here we are - the end of November. My bite plate has been in position since July. It's there to correct an overbite. Has it been corrected - the hell it has!

Apparently, and orthodontists throughout the world will clarify if needed, if the back teeth are not touching then the try to "meet" in occlusion by somehow developing in the jaw or socket area. I think it is clever that teeth and jaws consider us in this way.

The human body is an amazing thing ...

Scene: Courtroom
Defendant: Mark Clayson
Judge: Sunny
Crime: Being 50 and wanting braces

Dr Conrad Murray: Could you state your full name?

Mark: Yessss

DCM: Yes what?

M: Yessss Sir

DCM: Yes Sir what?

M: Yes, I COULD state my full name

DCM: Then WILL you?

Mark: Mark Claysssssson

DCM: Pardon?

M: Claysssssson...

DCM: ...

I have always wanted to explore the Pacific. For starters, it is a long way away so it always sounds good when you tell your Grandmother that you have travelled so many thousands of miles. It sounds impressive even if the water when you get there is the same sort of stuff that laps the shores of the British Isles.

Secondly, there is something romantic about the word "Pacific". It conjures up thoughts of lazy summer sun, tranquility and, of course, grappling with 50 foot ...

If you checked out my last post then you would be aware that my overbite is not much better and that "it would be unlikely that braces would be put on today". I was prepared.

I had an appointment for 30 minutes so I thought I wouldn't waste it. Therefore I packed a rucksack with some sandwiches and drinks enough for 3 people. After all, I'm paying for the time so I might as well enjoy it and, more than that, I'm a very social person.

So, in order to get my ...

So today I went for my spacers - the supposedly final act before getting lower braces next week. Two things went wrong and someone will have to pay. I'm angry!

First, they could only get one of the four spacers in. What a performance! My teeth are too close together so they say. Well, that was a waste of time and I am now sitting with one useless spacer which only thrills me cos I can play with it with my tongue.

But ... bite plate horrors! My overbite is not much better. ...