mark clayson

So, I have this bite plate thingy. It is a hard lump of resin that stops me closing my teeth fully to help an overbite. Seems to be working (slowly) but there are other advantages....

... two meals for the price of one!

Let me explain.

My ortho said to try and eat anything that is liquid or that could be squashed between two fingers. The liquid thing is easy - 6 pints of beer and a couple of wines per day sees to that (thanks, ortho!). The food thing was a little harder to conquer. Within a few days however I found that if I pressed hard enough and for long enough I could squeeze all sorts of food between my fingers apart from gobstoppers. The result: - I can eat almost anything.

Granted, I can only chew using my bottom incisors against my bite plate. The nickname "goaty" appears to be sticking.

Anyway, back to the point. The bite plate is removable and I have found that I get food stuck in front of it, behind my upper incisors. It helps sometimes and by filling the small gap it makes the bite plate feel a little more secure and that makes it a little easier to talk with less lisping.

But, being the clean and hygienic boy that I am, I have to remove it and that's when I get my second meal. It's an odd sensation - tasting things a second time JUST exactly the way they tasted the first time. Except in this case I am no longer hungry and it is all a little bit distasteful. Never mind, it's not the end of the world.

One thing I am confused about. My ortho said that the plate should stay in for 24 hours a day. I asked him "what about cleaning"? He said, yes, take it out to clean.

Now I don't know about you but I can see the economic, social and material destruction of the world in prospect if I follow this advice.

The way I see it, this simple yet totally incorrect advice is actually going to make the day last longer. Even if it only takes me 30 seconds to clean the plate and my teeth, this already means that the day is lasting 24 hours and 30 seconds. This time shift all adds up and before you know it all the atomic clocks and other seemingly accurate timepieces throughout the world will be misreading true time as measured by my bite plate routines. This has an effect that none of us should belittle - namely the malfunctioning of all financial software and social control systems. Even yet I have not mentioned the possible consequences on nuclear warhead software and, to be honest, I can see the potential destruction of the world in sight and that means all of this money I am spending on braces will be slightly wasted and could have been better spent, instead, on a few pairs of designer jeans and a good meal at that fancy restaurant in Birmingham that has a fish tank the size of two soccer pitches (although there has recently been a police investigation after some of the bigger fish went missing and the restaurant next door added seafood to its otherwise vegetarian menu).

There is something far greater at stake with this ongoing time shift, something that my ortho, in his ignorance, has little respect or concern for. That is the effect on Mrs Planchard's corner shop that opens each morning at 5am to allow the schoolkid paperboys and girls to start their rounds. With the ever increasing fluidity of time, caused by my irresponsible ortho and his erroneous advice, the paperboys will be delivering newspapers at increasingly inopportune moments and messing up the whole system that has been present in the village since time began. And that won't please Elsie Fairweather who has still not forgiven Mrs Planchard for the incident 22 years ago when her copy of Bird and Poultry Weekly arrived covered in a thin, but noticeable, layer of cow dung with the words "Bird Killer" clearly written by someone's finger yet to be discovered.

I have decided to tell my ortho of these issues and how he is pivotal to the massive changes that are already taking over the world. When I phoned, I was given an appointment for 4.26 am so I am guessing he is experiencing the effect of his advice personally.