mark clayson

I am on a train travelling to London. I got out of bed 2 hours earlier than usual and, as yet, have not had anything to eat.

But, unexpectedly, these are small problems in comparison to the more pressing one. Which is .....

.... Should I pay for a ticket?

I am not a great believer in crime. Oh, I believe it happens. The low life, drug crazed pillocks that burgled my home allow this belief to have an enduring existence.

What I mean is that I don't indulge in crime very much. There are, of course, crimes that I am sure I commit without knowing. I understand, for example, that in some places it is a crime to marry a horse on a Sunday. If that is the case then I am guilty as charged (on a side note, Whinney and I are just about to celebrate 3 glorious years of togetherness for which I am to mark the occasion by presenting her with a silk nosebag).

But, I digress...

I want to avoid paying for a ticket. The journey to London is approximately 125 miles and my wife (the non-equine one) was charged over £100 not so long ago for the pleasure of sitting with a bunch of oddballs and being delayed more than 30 minutes.

Now THAT'S a crime. The rail network in the UK is mildly efficient but desperately overpriced. Unsuspecting rail passengers have little choice but to pay over the odds for an average, at best, service.

So, I thought I could hide in the toilet for the duration of the journey but I know that trick has been done before. I used to think the train guards were perverts until I realised they hung outside restrooms not to catch a glimpse of what the person was doing inside but to catch ticket evaders.

I considered laying on the roof or perhaps hanging amongst the undercarriage James Bond style.

But the main problem in my mind is having to explain myself if I get caught. Telling the police that I was "surveying the substratum system of the express special" is not easy when you have a lump of resin in your mouth that feels as though it's twice the size of the Taj Mahal. Whether my bite plate is moving or not or whether I am just getting lazy I don't know but anything with an S in is seemingly more difficult.

So I decide to go the legal route and stump up the cash for a ticket. But then I hadn't bargained on:-

"one return ticket, my man"

"certainly sir, where to?"

"eussssston"

"where sir?"

"eussssssston"

"you've a bite plate in, haven't you sir?"